The Choice of Love

        This post took a long time to write and a really long time to start writing.  It’s a long post dealing with a large topic, one of which I can only barely brush the surface.  It’s such a big topic that even with the little part I’m trying to touch on, I’m not sure I represented in the most organized manner.  It’s controversial, in many ways, and open to much discussion.  Love is such a huge part of the Christian life, yet we tend to shy away from in depth talks about it.  I really don’t know why.  Maybe it’s just me and that’s an inaccurate reflection.
        Over the last year and a half, one of my main topics of meditation has been love. As a child, I knew love more as others loving me.  I grew up knowing the Bible verses: God is love, 1 Cor 13, love your neighbor as yourself.  While I would say I loved my parents, my siblings, my friends, it was never a truly deep love.  Love is unselfish, caring only and fully for the other person, and I’ve never lived up to that.  I still haven't (how could I, an imperfect person, experience perfect love towards others?) but I've gotten closer through practice and God's grace.
I want to start with a definition of love that has influenced a lot of my thought processes these last months.  Love: intentionally and intelligently choosing what is best for the other person.  This is the definition given at Oasis last year, and it stuck with me a lot more than I expected it would.  It’s a definition that can be applied to all relationships: friends, enemies, romances, and family.  It crosses great distances, differences, and divides.

First I want to go through some of the qualities of love that have stuck out to me the most, either by example or by study.  By demonstration, a good friend has taught me that love is unconditional – it is caring and understanding, it listens without judging, without thinking less, without disapproving, and it is so because it is full of God.  Love is patient, and, often, that patience is only possible with God’s help.  Love is also not always spilling-over-joyous love, the gooey love our culture associates with romance; it is often a deep-seated honoring love.  As Paul wrote to the church at Corinth, we love by being patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not prideful.  By honouring and looking to the other’s good before our own.  We try not to be angry and irritable, and we keep no record of wrongs.  We forgive and forget.  We always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.  These qualities we choose to try by God’s grace.  But love isn't always easy.  Just because you hold knowledge of what it's supposed to look like in your head doesn't necessarily mean your actions will always reflect that.

Now I’m going to expand on something I’ve touched on a couple of times in the past two paragraphs: love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice.  Josh McDowell defines love this way: to nurture (bring maturity to) and to cherish (care for and protect).  His definition is probably the result of many years of study and reflection – it’s certainly much more developed than mine is.  Maybe 50 years down the road I’ll get around to defining love.  For now, I’m starting with the idea that love is a choice. Society today has really tried to alter love to only include the feeling part of it, and that definition is probably a cause of many of our problems.  How can we love our coworker if we really don’t like him?  Well, my parents always told my siblings and me that we always had to love each other, even when we didn’t like each other.  In fact, I’m going to paraphrase C.S. Lewis here.  I’ve just been reading his book Mere Christianity, and I think he explains this much better than I ever have.  I am told to love my neighbor as I love myself.  Well, how do I love myself?  I certainly don’t love myself because I’m always nice, always good.  In fact, I love myself in spite of being a rather awful person at times.  So love isn’t based on liking a person.  C.S. Lewis says love is wishing your neighbor good – I say love is a choice.   Choose it or not.

What does this choice look like?  Because love is a choice, it applies to those whom we don't want to love as well. Even when we carry hurt against someone, we cannot abandon him or her in favor of a grudge.  Love is about the other person.  What is best for him?  How can you best serve her?  What does the other person want and need?  It is with the Lord's help that it can be all about the other person, from our hearts to our heads to our actions.  Even through hurt and distance and separation, we can and should still make the choice to love.
Love, in many ways, is simply deciding to put the other person first.  This journey of love started for me first by observing love in others, then by deciding to choose to love one person, then by gradually applying the concept of love as a choice to more and more people.  Some people have been harder to love than others; some people I haven’t gotten there yet.  I ask God to change my heart, show me how to best love a person, and a couple of times He has done so in bigger ways than I was expecting.  In other instances, He’s still working on my stubborn, sinful heart.  I imagine, though, that He has great works of love in my future, in one way or another.

Talking To My Phone

     I've noticed lately a habit that I don't like.  It's a common habit, I think, resulting in some unseemly conduct, especially among younger generations.  I have termed this habit "Talking To My Phone."  When I'm texting someone, or messaging them, or commenting on something, I've taken to simply talking, rather than talking to him or her, to that person specifically. 
     Now, this does mean each of my messages very accurately conveys my thoughts and, in a way, my tone of thinking.  Actually, it's very similar to the way I write on this blog.  For other people, who perhaps don't have a cordial "tone" of thought, this may produce rather nastier texts.  I think this is why we're always warned to conduct deep conversations, or conversations that are possibly hurtful, in person, because it is so much easier to say rude things over the internet.  Rude messages, in my opinion, arise from people not censoring their thoughts as they would in person; people don't censor as they would in person because they aren't in person, they're talking to their phones.
     However, I would go even farther than "make sure you don't say rude things over the internet."  I would say we need to consider how we're talking to each person using our electronic devices, even when the conversation is light and pleasant.  When we speak in person, we alter our behaviours depending on the other person's personality.  Not that we wear masks, simply that we may be more talkative with one person, more reserved with another.  Yet this gets lost when we aren't face to face.  Perhaps that's a good thing - we get to see different sides of one another - but I think it takes with it some of the individuality of each relationship.  
     I've decided to try (no gaurantee on success, this is only a few weeks old) to imagine each person as I text him or her.  I can often visualise a person's facial expressions, even call to mind what someone would sound like in speaking the words of the message.  When I remember to do this, it has, thus far, made a significant difference in my final sent message.  Perhaps it's also because I'm taking more time to devise each text, but I think I'm responding more to the person than to the words on my phone.  And I think that's a good thing. 

Too Highly

     I am prideful. Coming from that, I am perfectionistic, over-achieving, and sometimes vain.  As a result of these, especially the first two, I am confident and fairly successful.  Those might be looked at as positive characteristics, but I struggle with humility, am quick to judge a poor performance of myself or others, and consider myself entitled to high achievements. Lo and behold: I'm human. 
     I'm not proud of this (not proud of my pride?), but it will probably be a lifelong fight to overcome myself, something I know I'll only ever be able to accomplish by God's grace.  I find it ironic that I tend to be good at almost everything I put my mind to, that this has caused me to be proud, and that this pride is what causes me to be bad at something: humility.  
     Now, I said almost everything. I am capable of everything to some extent, but I definitely have some places where I don't have an inborn talent. For example, my sister, Teresa, is a way better athlete than I am. She does the workout videos with Dad and she can run a mile a lot faster than I can and she excels at soccer and track and netball. It always frustrates me when something reminds me that she's more athletic than me because I wish I could be like her, but I can't.  Another example is music; my lack of the ability to play an instrument doesn't cause as much frustration as sports do, maybe because I can sing, but it's still an area in which I'm not especially talented. I watch Matt play the guitar and I'm fascinated by the movement of his fingers, or another friend will talk about music theory and playing classical piano and most of what he says goes straight over my head.  I'm just not as strong in these fields as in others. 
     My frustration is the wrong reaction. Multiple places in the Bible it says the body is made up of many parts, and each has its own function. In Romans 12 it says
3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. (Romans 12:3-5, NLT, biblegateway.com)
     Um, message from the Lord to me at all? This has really been striking me as I've read through and memorized Romans this year for Bible Quizzing. "Don't think more highly of myself than I ought to think." A better reaction would be to support those who have talents different than mine and cheerfully accept help when they offer. 

Hold your tongue!

I had a soccer game two days ago.  In said soccer game, we were tied 0-0 until the last five minutes.  Soccer being what it is, some rough playing was happening.  The ref wasn't trying to give us talking to's or anything, no one was getting hurt that badly, he was just calling it out when he could.  

How-eeevvverrrrrrrrrr........
the parents didn't agree
the players didn't agree
the coaches didn't agree
our team didn't agree with their disagreement
our team didn't agree with the ref
our team didn't agree with the other team
and so everyone badmouthed.

I find it so frustrating.  Please excuse any bitterness in this post and try to listen to my message - why can't we just hold our tongues?  We hurt people with what we say and think nothing of it.  We are quick to judge without knowing the person, and even quicker to express our judgement, whether it is a positive or negative one. 

In James it says "the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness.  The tongue is set among our members, staining our whole bodies, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell...no human being can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil full of deadly poison.  With it we bless our Lord and Father and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God." (James 3:6, 8-9 ESV)

This is so true.  SO true.  But that does not make it acceptable.  It is not an excuse.  We still need to strive to say nothing that is not pure, helpful, uplifting.  That's my challenge: hold your tongue.  

Summer wear

                 Swimsuits. It's summer, and they are all over the place. Or not. They hardly cover anything at all, just the sparest amounts of skin, and even girls who are conscious of modesty can fall into this trap. The swimsuits being sold just aren't modest - so even if we go for the most modest out there, they just don't meet our standards. Our standards shouldn't be any lower just because we're getting in the water. Beyond that, the "modest" swimsuits that are sold just aren't cute.  But I needed a new swimsuit recently, and I won't settle for immodest suits. So I figured I might as well share my findings. For me, swimsuits have to be just modest as street clothes.  That means my fingertips can't touch skin when they are hanging at my sides, and when I fix my thumb between my collar bones, the neckline can't go below my pinky finger if my hand is flat.  To find this, I actually went to a site Malea suggested: limericki.com. Limericki is a site that prides itself on the modesty of their swimsuits, and the suits are cute, too. They have one pieces as well as tankinis, and they sell bottoms as well, boy shorts, hipsters, and skirts. However, I prefer board shorts, I went to Amazon.com for these. Board shorts come in many lengths, so you can wear them to your comfort level. This summer, let's start a new trend and bring modest swimsuits back in style; for good. Don't go with the crowd; get the crowd to follow you.

Modest Starts at the Heart: Part 3

Now that we’ve talked about living a life of modesty from an inside out, it’s time for us to share a few tips on dressing modestly. We don’t mean that you have to wear long skirts and baggy shirts or like clothing that don’t show your curves, not at all! If you feel like that is the way God wants you to dress, please do. But I don’t believe that that is the only way a girl can dress modestly.

Also, we don’t want this post to be a list of rules, so I beg you, don’t look at it that way. These are just some standards that we encourage you to have. I read the whole Modesty Survey and tried to base my personal standards on that, I encourage you to do so as well but that is up to you. Please, this should come from your heart as something you choose to do. I’m choosing to dress modestly, I hope you are too.

Here are some tips and tests that we use when dressing. We encourage you to use them too!

When choosing shirts, look for:

1. A neckline that covers your chest.

2. Appropriate fit. (not too tight or short)

Try these tests: (they also work for dresses)

1. Stick your thumbs into your breastbone. Below what your hands cover, your shirt should cover.

Quick Fix: If your shirt does not cover this area, add a tanktop or cami with a higher neckline underneath and do the test again.

2. Bend forward facing a mirror. Can you see down half your shirt?

Quick Fix: Again, wearing a tanktop or cami underneath can really help this. But sometimes it’s impossible. For these cases I usually just make sure to put my hand on the top of my shirt when I bend over.

3. Stand up and turn around. Is the parts where your bra hooks together clearly visible? If so, your shirt is too tight.

Quick Fix: In this case, there is none. The shirt is too tight and must be thrown away.

4. Now bend over facing away from the mirror. Is there several inches of skin showing between the top of your pants and the bottom of your shirt?

Quick Fix: Tanktop or cami underneath can fix this problem. It is more helpful if tucked in.

5. For tank tops and spaghetti straps, if you can see your bra strap, it is immodest.

Quick Fix: Add a thicker-strapped tanktop underneath. A sweater or jacket over is also a cute and modest option.

When choosing pants, look for:

1. Appropriate fit.

2. Not too much skin showing.

Try these tests:

1. Okay, I really dread bringing this up, but it’s not attractive on plumbers or anyone else. Yes, you know what I mean now. Bend over back facing a mirror. Do you see the ever-dreaded crack?

Quick Fix: A belt? If it’s not an issue of too-loose pants, try wearing a longer shirt. If they’re low rise pants, the only thing you can do is wear a long shirt, and if you don’t like that, get rid of the pants.

2. Another problem would be too-tightness. If your pants are hugging your hips and/or butt too closely it can draw attention to those areas. Can you easily stick your hands in your pockets? How about putting your hand inside your pants between the front of your thigh and the front of your pants?

Quick Fix: There is no quick fix for this one. The pants are too small, they’ve got to go.

3. One thing that seems to be really fashionable these days is rips in the pants. When choosing the “distressed” look, make sure there are not rips in the thigh-ish area. Too much skin showing here can be a stumbling block for guys.

Quick Fix: If the hole is large enough to see skin more than a couple inches above the knee, wear a pair of leggings or spandex underneath. If the hole is really large and open, just toss the pants or use them for work pants. This is the point where they start to look junky.
When choosing skirts/dresses look for:
1. Appropriate length.
2. Nontransparent.
3. If there’s a slit, appropriate length of that.

Try these tests:

1. Stand up straight and drop your hands at your sides. Whatever your arms cover and about two inches below that should be covered.

Quick Fix: If the dress/skirt ends where your fingertips are or a little higher, add leggings underneath. If it’s a dress, you could also wear a pair of jeans under it. You could turn it into a pretty cute long shirt. If you don’t like either of these options or it is shorter than specified above, get rid of the dress/skirt. It is too short to wear alone.

2. Look in a mirror. Can you see your underwear through the dress/skirt?

Quick Fix: A slip is the best option here, but you may be able to use leggings or jeans.

3. If your dress/skirt has a slit, check the length of slit. It shouldn’t come above your knee - it isn’t modest if you appear to be covering plenty, but still show up high.

Quick Fix: If you’re handy with thread and needle, you could attempt to sew it up a little, but this can easily become a disaster. I would recommend just getting rid of it.

When  choosing shorts look for:

1. Appropriate length.

2. Appropriate fit.

Try these tests:

1. Use the first test for the dresses/skirts to determine whether or not your shorts are appropriate in length.

Quick Fix: If your shorts are too short, throw them away, there is no quick fix in this case.

2. The second test in the pants department also works here.

Quick Fix: Again, there is none for these poor shorts. Throw them away, they are too tight.

Modesty Starts at the Heart: Part 2

When modesty is mentioned, people automatically think about the way someone is dressing; that’s what automatically pops into our heads, but look at this definition from

dictionary.reference.com:

Modesty:

1. the quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.

2. regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc.

3. simplicity; moderation.

Notice that not all of it refers to the way someone dresses; in fact, a good bit of it refers to the way someone acts or talks.  When someone has modesty starting at the heart, they don’t just pay attention to the way they dress.  To truly be modest, you have to not act sensually, not try to draw attention to yourself.  Immodest clothes can really accentuate your different postures and make whatever you’re doing come across as bad, but everything can be immodest if you’re acting immodestly.  

    You can never let your guard down, you have to monitor what you’re doing because often we don’t realize we’re doing something wrong.  If whatever position you’re in pronounces a part of your body that shouldn’t be pronounced, you need to change you’re position.  If you walk like an advertisement, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, and that needs to stop too.  Walk and act like you’re a princess of God, because that’s exactly what you are.

    Malea mentioned the Modesty Survey last week, and there are some really helpful surveys regarding behavior.  Boys rated things like ‘A girls position or posture can be a stumbling block’ (35 disagrees, 97 neutrals, 518 agrees, 331 strongly agrees.) and ‘Seeing a girl take off a pullover (i.e. a shirt that must be pulled over the head) is a stumbling block, even if she is wearing a modest shirt underneath.’  (348 disagrees,  180 neutrals,  296 agrees).  For that last one, many of the boys who commented said no, but it would be better if we could wedge our arm into our shirt, and pull it off that way.  

While wearing modest clothes is a great start to being modest in your heart, you’ve also got to pay attention to how your acting and how that may affect the people, especially boys, around you. 

Modesty Starts at the Heart: Part 1

Maybe you have been told over and over by your parents, people at church, perhaps even your older siblings to dress more modestly. Maybe not. It could be that you have struggled in the past on this issue but think you do a good job at covering your body now. If you have grown up in a Christian home, have Christian friends, or go to church, you have most likely heard the term “modest” referred to as a way of dressing. It is - but it is so much more than that. It can’t be limited to a list of rules because, really, it starts at the heart. It has to be something you’re working towards not only in the way you dress, but in your heart as well. Since I really began to understand it, I have always wanted to dress modestly. A few months ago, however, I started to think about pushing the limits a little bit. Like wearing a shirt I knew was too low in the neckline. I would ignore my conscience saying “uh-oh, this is gonna attract attention to the wrong areas” because, well, I felt like I wanted attention attracted there. And it wasn’t as bad as most girls I see … And if I wear it just this once, it couldn’t hurt anything ...
Okay, ladies, I know what you’re thinking. Don’t tell me that you never have thoughts along those lines because every girl has at sometime or other. Whether that shirt I decided to wear that day was as bad as the way most girls were dressing or not, I didn’t do the right thing by wearing it. Here are the reasons why:

1. I knew in my heart that it was going to attract attention to the wrong places.

2. I went against what my conscience told me I should do.

3. I had to reason to myself that it was okay. (Not to mention the bad reasoning)

Bottom line is; modesty starts at the heart. If I dress immodestly but deep-down don’t know that I’m doing wrong, I’m much better off than if I had pushed the limits to make myself appear as “hot” as possible without showing much skin. God has been working in my heart lately to want to dress modestly and act modestly without pushing limits. I read the Modesty Survey on the Rebelution website which really change my outlook on that. It encouraged me to change my heart about the whole thing and not think of it as something I have to do but something I want to. I was very excited to find that Christian guys really do appreciate modesty and that’s something most of them will look for in their future wife.