Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts

Friday, June 5, 2015

Anne & Joe

          These last few weeks, I have been interviewing residents at the retirement home where I work, seeking to know their stories. It has been a privilege to hear each story, and a few residents have given me written permission to share their stories with all of you. This is an exercise in writing for me - if you have any questions, comments, or critiques, please let me know!


            1930. Life was difficult in Brooklyn, New York in the depth of the depression, but his mother made ends meet. She worked hard to support her young son after his father left her for other women. They never experienced the hardest parts of the depression, certainly not to the extent that the folks in Oklahoma and other places did, but they knew hardship all the same.
            As Joe got older, opportunities opened up for him. He attended a military school in West Virginia for a few years in the late 30s-early 40s. Joe’s mother remarried, and she, Warren, and Joe moved to Montreal before Joe graduated high school. While they were living there, WWII broke out. Joe returned to the states, to Burlington, Vermont, to complete school before enlisting in the Army. He went through basic training in Florida in 1944 and then was shipped overseas where he served in Europe for 6 months, in the 10th Armored Division right after the Battle of the Bulge. “Boy, was I lucky to miss that,” he says, looking back.
            Soon after he finished his service in the military, Joe’s mother died. He returned for her funeral and then sought an education. Although he had been considering becoming a doctor or dentist, he instead began college in Vermont, studying agriculture and economics, and ended up in the insurance business, a job that took him around the country. He met a girl and got married, had two boys and one girl. 25 years later, he and his wife divorced, and he subsequently began night school at Fort Steilacoom Community College. It was at night school that he met Anne.

            1936. She was grateful for the bed and food the nuns offered her. Goodness knows she was better off here in the convent than she had been at her aunt’s house where she was just another mouth to feed.  She remembers with a grimace the clothing lines and the fact that they could never afford new shoes, although the soles were loose on her old ones, and all that just a year ago. At the age of 12, one year prior, she had run away to her 6th grade teacher at the Chicago, Illinois convent, where she would be taken care of for the remainder of the depression era. Although her cousins, who also attended school at the convent, told her that her aunt wanted her to return, her aunt held no legal authority over her, so she remained at the convent.
            Anne’s parents had immigrated to the US from Croatia in the early-mid 1900s, just before the depression struck. When Anne was 6, her mother passed away. Although she was young, Anne holds on to memories of her loving mother, especially her beautiful blue dress with the gold fleur-de-lis design, which she wore to church ever morning. Her father, unable to care for her, gave Anne to his sister in Chicago, Illinois. Anne attended school at the local convent, where she lived in her later schooling years. When she started high school, she decided she wanted to become a nun and was sent to the motherhouse in Colorado for two years. During her sophomore year, she changed her mind and came back to Chicago. In high school, she met her future husband. She wasn’t everything he hoped she would be, so she changed for him and compromised herself, something she regrets to this day.  He didn’t believe in the education of women, so she finished high school and stopped attending school. She had dreamed of a man of high ideals, with a love of his faith, and a positive outlook, but settled for what she had instead. Anne helped put him through med school and moved to Tacoma for his internship. During their marriage, he had affairs, and, after 8 children, they were divorced.
            After the divorce, she went back to school at Fort Steilacoom Community College to pursue her dream of becoming educated and here she met Joe.

      It was in a Human Potential Class that Anne and Joe met. This was a class that impacted both of them deeply, focusing on Personal Responsibility and Emotional Development, a phrase they both still remember 40 years later. Outside of Human Potential, however, it was their shared loved for the Lord that brought and kept them together. The Lord has never abandoned them, and, in Anne’s words, the last 39 years have been a fairytale. They traveled together, to Europe twice and to other places. Anne went to Europe twice more on her own, to discover her family’s roots in Croatia. She was searching for herself and she found it in the town where she was immediately recognized as her mother’s daughter. Walking along a street in Kaštela, a woman called out “You’re Maria’s daughter!” and Anne knew she had found something special. Her self-esteem had been knocked down to zero after her divorce, and between Human Potential, Joe, Kaštela, and the Lord’s grace, she began to be built back up. Joe and Anne continued their education, Anne continuing on to Evergreen Community College. Anne focused on the three children she still had at home, co-owned a bookstore, and then got into real estate. Joe can be described as a poet, painter, and romantic.
      Now, they sit across from me, both in their rocking chairs, both smiling brightly. For the last several months, they have never failed to inform me that they are praying for me. They ask after my schooling and my plans for the future, and I am honored that they have taken such an interest in me.

      Joe’s words to me: “You’re doing okay. You have your life figured out and the smarts to pursue it. Not many have that.”

      Anne’s words to me: “Don’t ever compromise yourself; remain true to you. Retain your individuality.”

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Choice of Love

        This post took a long time to write and a really long time to start writing.  It’s a long post dealing with a large topic, one of which I can only barely brush the surface.  It’s such a big topic that even with the little part I’m trying to touch on, I’m not sure I represented in the most organized manner.  It’s controversial, in many ways, and open to much discussion.  Love is such a huge part of the Christian life, yet we tend to shy away from in depth talks about it.  I really don’t know why.  Maybe it’s just me and that’s an inaccurate reflection.
        Over the last year and a half, one of my main topics of meditation has been love. As a child, I knew love more as others loving me.  I grew up knowing the Bible verses: God is love, 1 Cor 13, love your neighbor as yourself.  While I would say I loved my parents, my siblings, my friends, it was never a truly deep love.  Love is unselfish, caring only and fully for the other person, and I’ve never lived up to that.  I still haven't (how could I, an imperfect person, experience perfect love towards others?) but I've gotten closer through practice and God's grace.
I want to start with a definition of love that has influenced a lot of my thought processes these last months.  Love: intentionally and intelligently choosing what is best for the other person.  This is the definition given at Oasis last year, and it stuck with me a lot more than I expected it would.  It’s a definition that can be applied to all relationships: friends, enemies, romances, and family.  It crosses great distances, differences, and divides.
First I want to go through some of the qualities of love that have stuck out to me the most, either by example or by study.  By demonstration, a good friend has taught me that love is unconditional – it is caring and understanding, it listens without judging, without thinking less, without disapproving, and it is so because it is full of God.  Love is patient, and, often, that patience is only possible with God’s help.  Love is also not always spilling-over-joyous love, the gooey love our culture associates with romance; it is often a deep-seated honoring love.  As Paul wrote to the church at Corinth, we love by being patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not prideful.  By honouring and looking to the other’s good before our own.  We try not to be angry and irritable, and we keep no record of wrongs.  We forgive and forget.  We always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.  These qualities we choose to try by God’s grace.  But love isn't always easy.  Just because you hold knowledge of what it's supposed to look like in your head doesn't necessarily mean your actions will always reflect that.
Now I’m going to expand on something I’ve touched on a couple of times in the past two paragraphs: love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice.  Josh McDowell defines love this way: to nurture (bring maturity to) and to cherish (care for and protect).  His definition is probably the result of many years of study and reflection – it’s certainly much more developed than mine is.  Maybe 50 years down the road I’ll get around to defining love.  For now, I’m starting with the idea that love is a choice. Society today has really tried to alter love to only include the feeling part of it, and that definition is probably a cause of many of our problems.  How can we love our coworker if we really don’t like him?  Well, my parents always told my siblings and me that we always had to love each other, even when we didn’t like each other.  In fact, I’m going to paraphrase C.S. Lewis here.  I’ve just been reading his book Mere Christianity, and I think he explains this much better than I ever have.  I am told to love my neighbor as I love myself.  Well, how do I love myself?  I certainly don’t love myself because I’m always nice, always good.  In fact, I love myself in spite of being a rather awful person at times.  So love isn’t based on liking a person.  C.S. Lewis says love is wishing your neighbor good – I say love is a choice.   Choose it or not.
What does this choice look like?  Because love is a choice, it applies to those whom we don't want to love as well. Even when we carry hurt against someone, we cannot abandon him or her in favor of a grudge.  Love is about the other person.  What is best for him?  How can you best serve her?  What does the other person want and need?  It is with the Lord's help that it can be all about the other person, from our hearts to our heads to our actions.  Even through hurt and distance and separation, we can and should still make the choice to love.
Love, in many ways, is simply deciding to put the other person first.  This journey of love started for me first by observing love in others, then by deciding to choose to love one person, then by gradually applying the concept of love as a choice to more and more people.  Some people have been harder to love than others; some people I haven’t gotten there yet.  I ask God to change my heart, show me how to best love a person, and a couple of times He has done so in bigger ways than I was expecting.  In other instances, He’s still working on my stubborn, sinful heart.  I imagine, though, that He has great works of love in my future, in one way or another.




Monday, August 25, 2014

Talking To My Phone

     I've noticed lately a habit that I don't like.  It's a common habit, I think, resulting in some unseemly conduct, especially among younger generations.  I have termed this habit "Talking To My Phone."  When I'm texting someone, or messaging them, or commenting on something, I've taken to simply talking, rather than talking to him or her, to that person specifically
     Now, this does mean each of my messages very accurately conveys my thoughts and, in a way, my tone of thinking.  Actually, it's very similar to the way I write on this blog.  For other people, who perhaps don't have a cordial "tone" of thought, this may produce rather nastier texts.  I think this is why we're always warned to conduct deep conversations, or conversations that are possibly hurtful, in person, because it is so much easier to say rude things over the internet.  Rude messages, in my opinion, arise from people not censoring their thoughts as they would in person; people don't censor as they would in person because they aren't in person, they're talking to their phones.
     However, I would go even farther than "make sure you don't say rude things over the internet."  I would say we need to consider how we're talking to each person using our electronic devices, even when the conversation is light and pleasant.  When we speak in person, we alter our behaviours depending on the other person's personality.  Not that we wear masks, simply that we may be more talkative with one person, more reserved with another.  Yet this gets lost when we aren't face to face.  Perhaps that's a good thing - we get to see different sides of one another - but I think it takes with it some of the individuality of each relationship.  
     I've decided to try (no gaurantee on success, this is only a few weeks old) to imagine each person as I text him or her.  I can often visualise a person's facial expressions, even call to mind what someone would sound like in speaking the words of the message.  When I remember to do this, it has, thus far, made a significant difference in my final sent message.  Perhaps it's also because I'm taking more time to devise each text, but I think I'm responding more to the person than to the words on my phone.  And I think that's a good thing. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Overcomplicate

     My post today was inspired by this image on Pinterest:
      I think we're all instigators and victims of an overcomplicated life. I suppose this has been on my mind most lately as it relates dating, but the basic principle can be applied to most relationships.  We seem to think something means more if we don't ask for it, if we don't start the ball rolling. Yes, okay, in some aspects. Surprises and gifts are wonderful and they show thought and care. And sometimes the other person needs to make the first move.  But when I see girls trying to suggest something to their boyfriend and then get all pouty because he didn't pick up the hint, I don't think that's fair to the guy.  In general, boys and girls don't always speak the same language. In fact, every person has his or her own language because each and every one of us is a unique individual who only sees the world from one, personalized point of view.  
     Would it not be better to be lovingly up front and honest? I think it would change our relationships for the better.  When you need a hug, ask for it.  When you miss somebody, tell them. Of course, this is in general and as with everything there are exceptions to this, there is a balance. If you've tried to talk to somebody 10 times and they aren't responding, you may want to take a break and not nag them.  But that's not my point.  Bottom line is: don't overcomplicate. 


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Why Not?

    The other day I mentioned to someone how I disapprove of teenagers dating. The reply to this was: “You’re just saying that because you’re jealous.” Even though it was said in jest, I was a little taken aback by this answer because the person who said it isn’t in a relationship (that I know of) and should know me well enough to know my views on this matter. Anyway, the conversation ended there and I didn’t get the opportunity to give my opinion. But it really got me to think about why I don’t approve of teenage dating. If you’re a teenager in a relationship right now, it would be very easy to get back on facebook and not take another look at this blog. Before you do that, however, I encourage you to keep reading (I encourage you to keep reading even if you’re not in a relationship) I’m not writing this post to accuse you of doing wrong or convince you not to date, I’m just trying to express my views and hopefully give another side to think about. Now, back to my reasons why. When I first started pondering this, I thought of how it would be super easy for me to be jealous if I wanted to. I mean, most of my friends either have boyfriends or won’t call it that but pretty much have a boyfriend. It would make sense for me to feel left out.
         That thought then, gave way to what I would reply if the subject ever came up again. One of the first reasons that I have is that it’s just a waste of time. How many couples that start dating when they’re fifteen actually get married when they grow up? Not that many. Most teen relationships end within a couple of weeks. The argument to this would be that the point of dating is not to find a spouse. If that is the case, then what is the point? To have fun? Well in my opinion, teen relationships aren’t fun. Sure, there are a few moments of fun and the idea of having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) can be exciting. But since teen relationships are almost destined to end, it’ll only end in heartbreak. The last few days of the relationship will be spent wondering if you should break up or whether or not your boyfriend/girlfriend will break up with you and then when the end finally happens, the result is tragic. Why is this the case? Because with each romantic relationship you’re giving part of your heart away. I don’t know about you, but I want to save my whole heart for one person; the person God wants me to marry. I don’t want to get married and live with any regrets about what I did during the time that I could have been single and waiting for my Prince Charming. I love the way Heather from becomingahopefulromantic.blogspot.com puts it in her blog post “My Fall Will be for You”. Basically, what she says is that if we don’t protect our hearts, we’re going to “fall in love” with so many boys that won’t bother to catch us when we fall. Besides Jesus, there is only one person who will catch me when I fall and never let me go. I want my fall to be for him and only him.
“Well,” you say, “what if my sixteen-year-old boyfriend is the person God wants me to marry and we stay together for the rest of our lives?” Personally, I only want to fall for my “one” when the time is right. Even if I was dating someone now who was the “one”, it’s not like we could get married now. Sure, we could be together for years, but by doing that, we could miss out on opportunities that could have changed our lives if only we had taken them and not been so focused on being together. I only plan on entering a relationship when I know that it’s God’s timing... Not just when I want it so much that I’ve convinced myself that it is his timing but when I know. If what my future husband and l will have is meant to be, then I can wait  for it to become.
What good can come out of dating so young? I was honestly trying to come up with something good that could come out of it but failed. Just something to think about.

Read Heather’s blog post “My Fall Will be for You” at: http://becomingahopefulromantic.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-fall-will-be-for-you.html
It is well worth the read.